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Fuck your broken heart. why cant you let this die?
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| Random nothingness... |
[Oct. 10th, 2005|10:09 am] |
so i went to havasu with Amanda, lara, robyn, lyndsay, brittany, martin, brent, andrew, steven, buzzbee, and ryan. it was incrediby fun. and when we got home we had to settle some drama at bobbys house and me and brittany turned him into the police for stealing a dirt bike. i met brittanys boyfriend and we all went to martins house to eat. his mommy cooked us some bombie food. and then i spent the night at B's house.
i miss my best friend more than anything!!! she bought me the cutest fucking jacket for my birthday! and got me a card that made me cry haha
im finally getting older. one more year and im out. either new york or hunnnington beach!!!!
today should be interesting. i've got to talk to the police and find out when i have to testify... and then later i have to pretend that im goin to night school. i wonder what i'll do tonight :) |
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| this feeling of regret |
[Sep. 5th, 2005|11:28 pm] |
life is crazy. things are up and down and up and down. people are weird.
i dont understand why people do and say certain things. i dont understand why people claim they want one thing and do another.
i guess i just dont understand alot right now.
i hate this feeling of emptiness. its cold. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 20th, 2005|08:15 am] |
so lately things have been going good. Mandey is my best friend and i love her to death. her papas wedding is this weekend and im super excited. i love her dad more than i love my own dad and im so happy to see him marrying kim. shes such a great lady and i hope everything works out for all four of them mandey, tom, kim and kims son michael)
seriously its so cool having someone whose there for you no matter what. and it seems like if i ever needed mandey shed be there for me, wherever i was and for whatever i needed. and the same goes for her, id be there for her no matter what.
wednessday was pretty cool, actually, it ws really cool. my cousin called and made me cry, not because she was being mean or anything but because of the way she has screwed up her life, and how selfish she is, and how ungreatful she is. i lover her to death and it kills me when shes sad. but garrett called me to go with him to hollywood to a show but i said no and he called me back and asked me to go eat with him. he knew i was sad and he said hed buy me icecream and then he had the icecream man talk to me and he was nice and made me laugh. and then he picked me up in his brothers truck, its fucking huge, 15 inch lift :), and we were hiding from the cops because we didnt wanna get a ticket. so i met his mom, and then i met his real dad and brother. and we went to miguel jrs. for dinner, it was bomb. and then we went back to my house and hung out outside and we video taped eachother and then we went on a super long walk and he held my hand. then yesterday he came over and we watched tv pretty much all day. i helped him with his report. and we kissed, it was so cute. and then last night he came and saw me at the showcase, we took super cute picture of us kissing, and then picked me up from jennys when it was over and we went to jack in the box and then he dropped me off.
its really cool because we have sooo much in common. the only thing is the fact that his mom would have a problem about our age. im 16 hes 19 its really not that big of an age diff but his mom thinks so. o well because i really dont care if i have a bf or not. so what ever happens happens. :) im just glad i have someone for the moment. <3 |
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| Attention all SINGLE boys |
[Mar. 28th, 2005|01:07 pm] |
so im single. ive moved on from my ex boyfriend and now i need to have some fun. so ya any hot guys, lets hang out.
and if any of you ladies want to introduce me to a hot guy please do so. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2005|10:19 am] |
so friday night me and mandey looked super hott, haha, and we hit on black guys and bumped our rap music and mandey drove like a gangsta. HAHA we also played with air soft guns and i shot myself by accident.
saturday night we drove around, ate legends with amanda and her b/f, and then we met up with eric and hs friends and then we went to in n out and chad gave us our shakes for free, i love him, and then we droped the boys off and went home at like 11 and watched ice age.
then sunday we woke up way too late for church. mandey dropped me off at home and i opened my easter basket with my brothers and went easter egg hunting. its soo fun, because i get to act like a little kid.
later that night i went to my cousin Tonyas house and we all just hung out. i got to see my little cousins, Serenity and Shaelynn. they are so adorable and i love them. then i went home and mandey left my mom flowers on our door for her bday. and my mom was excited. she loves mandey like another daughter. im so glad i have my mom and mandey. i realized that as much as i may want an amazing boyfriend i dont need one. i have enough people to keep me happy but if he comes along i definatly wont turn him away.
so this weekend was kinda low key but it was actually really fun. |
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| Lust |
[Mar. 23rd, 2005|10:15 am] |
i want to find someone who will love me as much as i love them. im tired of being alone. i feel like everything is going wrong. i cant stand my dad always being drunk and blaming things on me. im so tired of him saying things to me when hes drunk and then the next day he acts as if nothing ever happened. last night i have to say was by far the worst and best. he came home so drunk he could barely even talk and he couldnt stand up by himself. i have no idea how he managed to walk home from our neighbors house. he just came in the house and leaned against the wall and kept talking out of his ass. and then he just went to bed. ive never seen my dad so drunk but it was alot easier because he walked in said a few drunken words and then passed out.
i just feel bad for my mom. shes the most amazing person ever and i hate the fact that she keeps on dealing with my dad. we all know he will NEVER change and my mom deserves sooo much better. i cant stand it. sometimes i wish he would just leave. i wish hed leave us. i think my mom and my brothers and i would actually be happy with out him. i dont care if the 4 of us have to move to the fucking ghetto and be poor. at least we would be happy.
i hope thatif my mom stays with my dad that i will be able to find someone to help me. i want someone who will not only be my boyfriend but my best friend as well. |
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| i love my friend |
[Mar. 23rd, 2005|09:28 am] |
i love mandey. shes great. thank you for calming me down saturday night. its nice having someone to talk to and knowing your always there for me is even better.
i had so much fun with her friday night. it was extremly LAME but whatever we liked it. especially when we got to hit on that dad with his millions of kids in the back seat and when that one kid made fun of you.
and dude we are fucking ruthless. we stole your moms car. HAHAHA and then we cleaned it when we got back. and i finally got to smoke on your roof :) and yesterday we hot boxed your car but with cig smoke haha
i love you poop head. thank you so much for everything.
i hope the rain goes away and stays away. |
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| FUCK |
[Mar. 16th, 2005|09:06 am] |
so yesterday my friend heather comes up to me and tells me that ryan told her that im getting hotter everyday and blah blah blah. then he was hugging me and shit yesterday and telling me to grab his ass. im sick of it. i just dont understand people anymore. i dont understand friends either. im extremly greatful that i have Mandey. i think she is the ONLY true friend i have and i love her so much. but as for my other friends they have proved themselves to be nothing more that acquaintances, just someone to hang out with. they dont call to make sure your feeling better or to run erronds with or to watch movies. they call when they want someone to party with, they drop you off and thats it. im sick of people. im sick of people taking advantage of me.
if anyone has something to say to me just fucking tell me to my face.
im sick of all these fucking skanky bitches running around talking shit. if you dont like me thats cool because i dont give a fuck. but maybe you should get to know me before you judge me. :) |
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| death on wednessday |
[Mar. 9th, 2005|10:48 am] |
so ive been talking to Ryan again. i guess its cool that we have been able to mantain our friendship. but its soo hard. i miss him so much. and i dont think he understands me because when i told him that i still cared about him and he said he still cared about me i dont think he knew what i was implying. i meant that i still had feelings for him. i hate the way he can make me smile within seconds, and hes not afraid to point out that I AM WRONG alot of the time, and he always would tell me how beautiful i looked. even when i was crying and i had makeup running down my face he told me i looked like a model. i hate that he treated me soo good and all i could do was ruin things. im glad that his mom likes me again. hopefully things will work out. but its so hard JUST to be friends. because everytime we hug i miss him more. i miss holding his hand and kissing every couple of minutes. its just confusing. and extremly depressing.
well i guess ill just put it in gods hands. im done trying. |
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| blah blah blah... |
[Mar. 7th, 2005|08:51 am] |
so this weekend was pretty cool. friday night me and jen and russel went to see 18 visions, i got sick so we left and went to joshs house and he had some hot friends over. we left around 1 and shit was tight. then saturday night i went to colonys dance and it was amazingly fun. after we all went to jeffs and chilled out. we drank alot and claudia was fuckin hilarious. then Ryan drove me home and we had a good talk and now im trying to quit smoking. we both admitted that we still had feelings for eachother. things are so confusing. i honestly dont believe we will get back together. part of me still misses him and the other part of me just wants to get over him. i guess ill just have to wait and see what happens.
then on sunday i kinda blew mandey off. but it was def. not intentional. my mom had me doing homework and chores in the morning and then she had me run "a few quick" erronds with her, that turned into hours. then we got home and she needed me to go to the store. so by the time i got home i think it was like 6:30. :( so i just called and left mandey a message. stupid shit. but this comming weekend we will definantly be hanging out. i miss that kid. :) |
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| weekends are pretty lame in rancho |
[Feb. 28th, 2005|11:27 am] |
so this weekend was pretty cool i guess. well atleast friday night. i hung out with mandey and amanda and her bf. we sat in the bakers parking lot and me and mandey fucking smoked laying down in our seats, screamed to dashboard, and sang our fucking hearts out while we dancee around in the car. it was way funny. we had tons of energy. we also chiled at sieds house with jeff kyle justin jordan and matt. while me and mandey were driving to her dads house to eat spaghetti we met some hot ass bro guy, it was cool. then saturday night was fucking lame. i wanted to hang out with jen until mandey got off work an then i wanted to go to rialto to see jeffs new band playand hang out ith some of my boys, but instaed jen pretty much never let me go chill with mandey, and she neverdroe to fuckin rialto. she bulshitted her way through the night and we ended up sitting at russels house for his 19th birthday and i met some of his friends and they were hot but id rather have been hanging out with mandey. so after like a million hours of bullshit i finally got to see mandey, miguel amanda and amandas bf. jenn left and the rest of us sat in the block busters parking lot and smoked and ate lunchable an then iwent home. my parents came home like an hour after me an they were fighting so i just went too sleep. and yesterday i fucking cleaned all day and walked my dog at the park an i wasnt allowed to hang out with anyone. but at like 9:45 mandey came over and brought me my pants and i smoked in her car an then she left. i love mandey with all of heart. shes so fucking cool. i love how one minute she can be totally crazy an then the next shes all calm. but last nite was way cool, she was on like 1,800 mg of these pills her doctor gave her for her surgery. so pretty much her whole body was numb and she was wired. i loved it.
i <3 u poop head. |
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| blah |
[Jan. 6th, 2005|10:29 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
so lately ive been feeling weird. almost like i'm empty. i'm insecure and confused.
ever since my neighbor shot and killed my dog nothing hs been the same. i cant get the sound of the gun out of my mind and it seems as though every time i close my eyes the memory just replays, over and over. every time i go to lay down i envision my dog as he collapsed. and now my aunt is dying. her and my uncle divorced so shes really not my aunt any more but shes the closest thing i have to REAL family. she means more to me than anything. i love her soo much and it tears me apart watching her suffer. shes soo skinny. i think she only weighs about 80 pounds. she lost the majority of her hair and what ever is left has turned to grey. its hurting me to watch her lay there. shes so lifeless. even when i go to hold her hand she just lays still, in a deep sleep. sometimes i want her to wake up and talk to me or atleast be awake while i try to comfort her. i want her awake to hear how much i love her and how much she means to me, but to be awake she will be in pain. so i guess im happy she sleeps so well. i just wish i could tell her how much i love her. i pray everynight. everyday that god will be with her and make her strong. i hope that god will either take her before she suffers too long or he will make her strong and she wont feel the pain.
im so glad to have mandey in my life. shes my best friend and i dont know what i would do with out her. she is always there for me and i love her family. i have soo much fun when we are together, no matter what we end up doing. i love you poop head. thank you SOOOO much for everything.
hopefully everything will change for the better. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 12th, 2004|04:15 pm] |
ok so yesterday was fun. i saw shaunteclaire at the roadhouse and they were awesome. i met sum new girls...ashton amanda and beth. they r all wonderful i luv em already. ashtons baby...Riley Star.. is the most beautiful baby i have ever seen. um we went 2 dennys after the show it was quit amusing..lol
today i have been doin all my homework 4 options. an 2morow i have 2 do a milion chores. i am bored out of my mind, an boys r way way way confusing.. if u wanna go 2 myspace... http://profile.myspace.com/users/4566603 an see me..lol |
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paintedporcelin's journal
